what to do when you feel like you have nothing to talk about
Hello! I need some advice. I'm a working stiff in my belatedly thirties. Equally a college educatee in the late 1990s, I met a guy through mutual friends and we became best buds. We had a lot in mutual—sports mostly. Now here we are 15 years later, and he lives halfway across the country from me. We talk maybe a couple of times a year and text maybe five times a twelvemonth. We've visited each other a few times over those fifteen years, only not anytime in the by five. We but don't take much in common anymore. He'due south married with kids. I'1000 single and like it that way. He's hardcore conservative. I'm very liberal. He posts ignorant jibber jabber on Facebook and we go into fairly heated debates, some might say arguments. If not for our history at higher, I can't imagine I'd similar this dude! And I'chiliad non sure I practise even now. Our friendship feels more like an obligation to me than a genuine friendship. I kind of experience guilty about that. I don't know if I'm just not being a expert friend or if I'm just pretending we're friends at this point for the sake of nostalgia. What do you think? Should I try to rekindle the friendship in hopes there'southward notwithstanding a viable ember, or am I amend off accepting that this friendship isn't worth the try and only appreciate information technology for what information technology was (just is no more)? Thanks! —Friend Until the End
Dear Friend Until the End,
Thanks for your question. I guess the unproblematic and perhaps even smart-alecky respond would be, "Don't talk virtually politics and stick to sports!" I take very expert friends who disagree with me politically and nosotros are so passionate about our respective views that we simply agree to disagree. With others, I find information technology a piffling easier to take a more moderately tempered exchange; for example, I have a college buddy on Facebook who has drifted to the opposite terminate of the spectrum equally me, but he has a sense of sense of humor and pokes fun at my "side" and we have a practiced-natured sparring relationship well-nigh it. I could non do that with everyone.
But on a broader and philosophical level, your question points to a very psychologically meaning phenomenon—related to change and, peradventure, loss.
The sometimes jarring fact of the matter is people change. There are friends from my past, as I sit here in middle age, whom I would no longer recognize. Some I am happy to stay in touch with via Facebook, and some I simply tin can't find common basis with anymore. A lot of this is about the nowadays: the ongoing, indestructible present moment, which creates a context effectually what remains in common today. And other than a shared past, there are some with whom we just don't share much in mutual anymore. Sometimes a new identify—geographically, emotionally—tin can change a person, which changes his or her relationships. Sounds similar your friend has changed for reasons that, I'm guessing, have fiddling to exercise with you, simply do affect the friendship.
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Nosotros all exist in a detail context, often fleeting, ever shifting. (This would exist related to what Buddhists telephone call "groundlessness.") In the case of your friend, you and he shared some very intense experiences in a mutual setting, merely evidently things have changed in more than complicated ways than can exist assessed by the human eye. It sounds to me like you would have to make an adjustment to "fit" this new situation by listening to the "jibber jabber" of your friend's politics. Possibly these politics have become of import to him for some reason that blocks more than friendly relating. Could you ask him to driblet this as a topic? Or is life as well short to fifty-fifty bother at this point?
I was curious almost the notion of an "obligation" to him, and I think that warrants further investigation. Why "obligation"? What are the risks of not following this new "requirement"? My sense is that non staying obligated might bring with it a loss of a kind that could exist symbolic for you: for example, this friend was like a brother, and losing him might be related to experiencing a brotherly loss of a kind. Maybe you feel you've lost also many "friends" lately. Is there a loneliness losing him might touch on? Or perhaps there are people in your life similar him, and for some reason you feel like you "owe" it to them to stay uncomfortable listening to opinions that seriously disharmonism with yours. There is something annoying about feeling "forced" to listen to political opinions that don't jibe with yours; information technology sounds as if it might exist more of a monologue than a conversation. "Fun for one," as a friend likes to say. It does you no practiced to force yourself in such situations. I suppose you could attempt to "empathise" his positions, if y'all're interested, but that'south a lot of work on your part, and it may or may not be worth it.
More importantly, why hold on to this detail friendship if it'due south no longer fun or friendly? It sounds like your college pal now wants your audience as more than a friend, from what you've said. Assuming he's going to cling to his political points of view, what purpose does information technology serve past pretending a friendship is there that has changed or even faded away? I get a deplorable feeling while writing this, since people exercise come in and then out of our lives in a way that can spark specific feelings in us, depending on who we are and how we process these experiences.
In short, meet if getting politics out of the equation helps, or if past continuing this friendship you are staving off inevitable feelings of loss that, unfortunately, are as difficult in life equally connections are rewarding. You seem like a squeamish, considerate fellow, and I'm hoping there are people in your life whom you can spend more time with, rather than forcing a situation that no longer suits your detail context. Thank you for writing!
All-time wishes,
Darren
Darren Haber
Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug addiction as well as co-occurring issues such as feet, low, human relationship concerns, secondary addictions (specially sexual practice addiction), and trauma (both single-incident and repetitive). He works in a diverseness of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic. He is certified in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and continues to receive psychodynamic training in treating relational trauma, including emotional abuse/fail and physical and sexual corruption.
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Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/is-it-friendship-if-you-have-nothing-in-common-anymore
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